• The assistant producer only answers her phone once a day at 6:00 PM; and only reads her email at 4:00 AM three days a week.

• The locations coordinator was vomiting, had diarrhea and had her eyes stuck together with mucous for a week, after she took my hundred dollars worth of quarters for parking meters for locations, leaving me to go to the bank unplanned once again.  Doesn't matter, though, about her being sick, since she sleeps till 2:00 PM; then goes running; then goes night clubbing.  She returns my calls at midnight.

• The extras casting coordinator / 2nd AD lost her cell phone.

• The line producer wrote an email to all the key crew calling me "apartheid" because I wanted to have the extras use the toilet in the park, while the director used a toilet in a local business.

Then, I had an email fight with my writing partner about the toilets last night between 10 PM and 2 AM.   Neither of us could talk (yell) on the phone because our respective households were asleep.  The toilet fight deepened into a discussion about the meaning of true equality in this country.  Hint: it's about jobs and education and healthcare and false imprisonment if you're colored and it's not about toilets for extras.

• The armorer won't work on set unless we have a permit.  The parking lot permits are from Department of Transportation (yeah, like you need a permit to take pictures in the parking lot of a state forest), while the Department of Natural Resources issues the permits to use the forest itself.  Need two permits: one to park, one to hike.  But cannot get permits without $2 Million insurance policy.  "Even church picnics, ma'am.”  Yeah, yeah, like those two teenagers I saw making out in the parking lot had a permit with insurance?  No permits, no armorer.

So, I call around.  Who has a replica gun?  No real guns on my set without safety; but no one has a replica gun.  So, I call some gun nuts.  "Come up and fondle an actress while you teach her how to hold a gun.”  One problem solved.

• Still don't know where everyone will pee on Tuesday.

I'm not EVER doing this again.

{Ed note: yeah, sure.}

"Where is Wednesday's shoot?"

Me: "Oh, it's 45 miles outside Seattle at the Tiger Mountain State Forest on the Highway 18 entrance in the upper parking lot near the bathroom."

Walter: "I don't have a car, you know."

He lives 45 miles from Seattle in the exact opposite direction.

Me: "No, I didn't know. How are you getting to the set tomorrow morning 8 AM?"

Him: "Don't worry; I’ll take the bus."

Hours later. Ring ring ring.

Walter: "Can someone pick me up at Tiger Mountain High School?"

Me: "Where is that?"

Him: "In... (Consults his list...) Enumclaw."

We have funny names in Washington State.

Me: "That's 45 miles in yet another wrong direction."

So, I, yes, me, have to call the bus information line and get him the bus schedules to deliver him to a place from whence we can pick him up in the morning. He doesn’t know the phone number to call for bus information. But, don't worry.  Don’t worry…

No, I’m the producer today.

Are you the PA tomorrow?

No, I’m the lead actor tomorrow.

Who the fuck is the PA this week?

Try my co-writer.

Dixie was wonderful; she cast almost 30 extras and then came on the set and wrangled all the extras, including costumes, makeup, costume changes, scenes, 2nd AD work. And, she's simultaneously rehearsing for a run and production designing another film. With no car and no phone. She MUST be in her twenties: no other explanation.

I was sad: I wanted to take the remaining crew to lunch, but they all rushed off to other projects. They are doing this 48-hour film challenge this weekend. Nuts.  They are crazy.  Either they are nuts or ...everyone did end up hating me, just as I had feared.

These work creatures only see me with messy hair and jeans and no makeup, so when I showed up with a skirt and lipstick, my boss was quite fascinated and spent an hour uncharacteristically chatting to me about...just "stuff." Hmmm...must make use of that little piece of knowledge.

I am thinking our director is making someone else's movie. He thinks the supporting actress is much prettier than the lead.  He hardly took any close-ups of the lead, and--in some of what i consider key plot point scenes—where the lead was in a two-shot with another character, he only shot the lead from the back. Well, maybe, just maybe, it will turn out okay despite his biases.

Our shotgun toting llama rancher gave mediocre performances. She doesn't go anywhere with her inner life. The best take of her is a closeup on a spider web, rack to her before she says anything. I guess we'll leave her dialog on the cutting room floor.

Rehearsed with the Walter character for hours.  Finally got one good take from him.

Jian—I hope you’re not reading this, dude—was someone I had met at a day job.  He loved the idea of being on a film set.  Jian thought—but didn’t express to me before I hired him—was that his job was somehow supposed to consist of hanging out on set watching sexy, half-dressed actresses.  Kathy the caterer is fat, sloppy and has a lazy eye.  Jian’s job was to pick up Kathy the caterer every morning at 4:00.  Jian quit after the first day, saying, “You don’t really need me, do you?”

Kimberly, given a roll of quarters at lunchtime to feed everyone’s meters, disappeared and did not materialize again till the next shoot day.

Brian and Paul had never been on a film set and wanted to see what it was like.  Paul had gotten us the office building for the evening’s location, and he volunteered to be a PA and brought his friend Brian to work, too.  Paul and Brian DID get to see a bunch of half-dressed actresses, since we were all changing wardrobe in big, open conference room with glass windows.  Unhappily for the lads, all the half-naked actresses that day were not young but middle aged and full of neuroses.  No parading around in their undies that day.  That night the first setup took two hours.  After waiting for two hours and not hearing anyone shouting “Action” Brian and Paul, pleading early work the next day, left the location and left our employ.

The day we shot on the busy street, I found Leela sitting in her car asleep with ear buds.  She awakened after I screamed and pounded on the window.  Leela, having been asked to find a place to charge the DP’s cell phone, had plugged it into her car and grabbed a wee nap.

Hannah, who came to work for us only so she could flirt with our director, took it upon herself to dress the set.  Well, overdress the set.  Or perhaps inappropriately dress the set.  We were shooting a scene in the office after the workers had had a pizza party.  We’d scattered dirty pizza boxes, empty Coke cans and other detritus on the desks.  When I looked for Hannah who was supposed to fetch actors for their call times, she was gone, baby, gone.  Several hours later she returned with a stack of 40 brand-new pizza boxes.  She had taken the initiative to go—where???  —out of fucking town??  —and get clean boxes.  Yeppers, but we have DIRTY boxes and that’s what we want, dear Hannah.

The funny and strange moral to this tale is that we actually managed to have a PA on set for every shoot day, even though never the same one twice.  People learned what they don’t like about the film business and we got some chores handled.

Wednesday was my day to be an actor. My writing partner played producer and PA today.

Michelle Actor speaking: I gave three transcendent performances in two separate scenes.

Michelle Producer speaking: Good, all you need is one good take of each scene.

I attribute my ability to give great performances partially to relinquishing producer worries for a few hours.

4:40 PM.  Our director likes the look of a restaurant on the same block as the previously planned city park location for this Scene 13.  We had not approached the restaurant about using their location, but Director walks in and gets them to give us electricity and let us do crazy things on their sidewalk in front of their large, beautiful window.  Just like that!

6:00 PM.  A delivery man walks into one take.  He spikes the camera and says, “You can have a delivery guy in the film, right?”

6:25 PM.  Actor playing Cop twists the arm of Actor playing Abby.  She starts crying for real.  Director says, “Circle that one.”

8:30 PM.  When I return to my automobile at the end of the day, I see that someone has left in my back seat a box with:

1. a stuffed rainbow trout of not particularly impressive size or looks
2. a baseball uniform
3. a plastic gun
4. matching pink lace bras in five sizes
5. DAT cables
6. men’s long underwear

I have no idea who left this box for me, nor most of the items in it.  Did they all arrive together?  Or did various people bringing various items all leave them in the same box at various times of the day?

1. no idea; no clue.  Someone else’s film?
2. no idea; no clue.  An extra forgot his clothes and went home naked?
3. is for tomorrow’s video game scene.
4. a proposition?  From my husband?  A stalker?
5. obviously is for Scott or his assistant—but why it’s in a box of wardrobe and hand props in MY car, who knows?
6. all I can say is, “The Costume Designer must have some weird thing going on the side.”

All will be revealed to me tomorrow.  I am sure.

8:00 AM.  Call time for crew.

8:15 AM.  DP calls me on my cell.  His camera is locked in Dave’s apartment and Dave is not answering the bell.

8:45 AM.  DP calls.  Can I please get a #73 Partytime Violet gel for him at Marty’s (specifically not at the other camera place) for tomorrow’s shoot?

9:00 A.M. 25 Extras arrive.  They are to run down an alley and scream while chasing a wolf.  This scene is scheduled to shoot at 9:30 and wrap at 11:30.

9:15 AM.  The AD and the Director are watching porn on a portable DVD player in the AD’s car.  I ask the AD to call the DP.

9:18 AM.  The DP is now trying to climb in the window of Dave’s apartment.

10:00 AM.  DP is borrowing a camera from Chris.  He will be here as soon as he can.

10:30 AM.  We are shooting this scene in an alley.  There are no bathrooms; we figured people could hold it for two hours; then we could release the extras while the principal cast & the crew could go to the next location and use the bathrooms there.  However, the extras have been drinking Crafty’s coffee for an hour and now they have to pee.  I buy a not-in-the-budget $100 Tully’s Coffee card and send everyone over there to drink lattes and use their bathroom.

10:45 AM.  Skadi, the dog who is playing the Wolf, wants Tully’s, too.  Not coffee; just croissants.  She licks my face.

11:00 AM.  The DP will be here at noon with a borrowed camera.  We are now three hours off schedule.

11:15 AM.  I drive to Marty’s for the gel.  They do not have Partytime Violet; they do not have #73.  I call the Gaffer; his cell phone rings and rings.  I call the DP; his cell phone goes straight to voicemail.  So, I buy 10 different gels in the violet range.  Also unbudgeted.

12:05 PM.  Since we’re in an alley, we’re stealing electricity from an outside outlet belonging to who-knows-whom.  The team plugs in the lights, camera, audio gear and monitor.  The lights blow.

12:45 PM.  Camera gang sets up the shots without lights.

12: 50 PM.  Monitor won’t power up.

12: 54 PM.  The Director can use the on-board monitor.

12:55 PM.  The outlet where we have the audio deck plugged in begins to sizzle.

12:58 PM.  Sound Recordist will run on batteries.

1:20 PM.  Roll tape.  Roll sound.  Action.

1:21 PM.  Batteries on the audio deck are out.

1:22 PM.  Okay, the scene has no dialog; just screaming and barking.  We can ADR all that.  Or whatever.

1:26 PM.  Roll tape.  Action.

1:28 PM.  It turns out Skadi the Dog LOVES this scene.  “Chase me, chase me!”  She turns around and jumps on me and knocks me down to top off the game of chase with a little mud wrestling.  Did I mention she weighs 130 pounds?  She slurps my face.  “Bark, bark, bark.”

1:30 PM.  A little frizzy dog inside one of the buildings is looking out the window longingly, scratching the window, “Let me out, I wanna be chased, too.  I wanna knock people down, too.”

1:36 PM.  Roll tape.  Action.

1:40 PM.  Re-set camera.

1:58 PM.  Roll tape.  Action.

2:03 PM.  Another $100 coffee card and more peeing.

3:30 PM.  Wrap this location.  Four hours late.

Yep, even if my husband didn’t have a mad crush on Jessica Alba …

…and even if The Honest Company hadn’t asked me to write this post…

…and even though I like Alba’s darker brunette color better than that almost-blond look she’s got going lately….

…I totally think this is SUPER cool.

I love it when celebrities step outside of their bubble and give back to the world.  Jessica Alba is doing just that in three ways: making non-toxic baby products, doing advocacy work and giving charitable donations.  Yay!  How much better could it get?  Well, she could have a sweet puppy on the home page.

PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) is one of my favorite organizations in the entire known universe as it exists today: I love animals and I want them to be treated with respect.  Alba’s new venture The Honest Company has a certification from PETA: Cruelty Free & Vegan because their diapers and shampoos and other baby goodies are non-toxic and non-animal-tested. So, even though she has gone blond, Jessica has my heart since she cares about the other creatures that live with us on this rock. The Honest Company also has a certification from Renewable Energy Credits in recognition of their commitment to renewable energy and materials.

The Honest Company supports peace and social justice; they work with advocates who promote policy changes for children and planet; and they donate money to Baby2Baby.org , a charity which gives baby supplies to families in need.

Hey, some of these little diapers are so cute I almost want to get a baby.  Almost.  Maybe I’ll borrow Keeth’s baby for a week.  But only for a week.  Only for a week.

We are now four scenes behind as we go into next week’s shooting. We were kicked out of two locations we tried to steal for Scene 14; the set designers disappeared off the face of the earth for Scene 5, we were denied the location for Scenes 1 and 7 and cannot attempt to steal it. The dog-actor playing a wolf, and the DP–playing a DP–have tight schedules. I’m trying to figure out how to get everything shot in our allotted time without having to do pickups, without locations, and keeping in mind people’s availability.

Friday I could not get out of bed at all, earning me more wrath from my day job and a bunch of disappointment from the film team.  I emailed my director, co-writer and AD, asking for one of them to take over some of the paperwork for scheduling Monday’s shoot.  I got back no answer at all from one of them, a snot-mail from another, and my co-writer graciously picked up the set dressing.  This pisses me off no end.  It’s not my damn project; it’s all of our project.  Why do I end up being solely responsible for all the producer work?  I have not had any time to do actor prep, yet my co-writer, who does very little producer work, spends her time prepping her character.

The bizarre thing was—this scene was shot in an Internet gaming club.  The patrons paid absolutely no attention to us. They were so wrapped up in their fantasy worlds of Internet games that not a single one of them even looked at what we were doing in the middle of the club for six hours–huge lights and camera gear and dollies and noise and food and makeup artists. It was quite strange. Okay, filmmaking is only another sort of fantasy, but still…no interest at all? I swear.

We were worried about how to close the set when we had the nude scene; and we figured out a complicated screen to put up; but, in the end, the patrons—young men in their late teens and early twenties—paid no attention to the naked actress, either.

Lastly, divine or satanic intervention or perhaps the universal god of stand-up comedy sends us Chris.  Unbelievable how professional he was.  Chris shows up at a rehearsal with his assistant Dan.  They have printed the script and 3-hole punched it into notebooks.  They have brought boxes of swatches of fabric, wallpaper and strange twiggy materials.  They both have Polaroids.  They have brought large sketches for each scene in color.  They have brought a box of crayons.  They arrive early, locate the Costume Designer and the Director of Photography and consult on colors.

They cannot locate the Director, of course, because he did not attend any rehearsals, the dick.

Chris and Dan watch the rehearsal, draw like mad…yes, these guys rock!

After the actors & crew leave, Chris and Dan are still scribbling like mad.

Chris says to me, “Buy three dozen beige sheets tonight.  Tomorrow I will call you with the rest of the shopping list.  You get someone to buy stuff and bring it to our studio.  We will be busy working with supplies we already have in the studio. “

My blood pressure drops about 30 points.

~~~

At 8:00 in the morning I call Chris.  A receptionist answers,

“Who’s calling?  Just a minute.  Chris can’t come to the phone.  Leave a message.”

I call Dan.  A muffled voice answers,

“Who’s calling?  Just a minute.  Dan can’t come to the phone.”

I email Chris.  I email Dan.

~~~

At 9:00 AM I call Chris.  I tell the receptionist I have 2 PAs ready to buy the shopping list…she says,

“Chris is busy and can’t come to the phone.  He told me not to take any messages.”

I call Dan.

His answering machine says, “Dan is out of town for two weeks.”

~~~

At 9:15 AM I call Chris.

“This number has been disconnected with no forwarding information.”

~~~

At 9:16 AM I text Chris.

I text Dan.

My messages bounce.

~~~

At 9:20 AM I call email Dan.  I get a fast-busy, as if the phone is off the hook.

~~~
Now, we have only two days till the shoot.  My makeup artist says she will do one of the sets.  I will do the others.

4)  Jerrie found us on a theater site where we had posted a casting notice.  She took the initiative to call me and ask if we needed a Set Designer.

“Oh, yes, do we ever!”

Jerrie had a resume full of theater set design.

“I am finishing a stage play right now.  I want to do more film.  This 2 minute trailer is perfect because there are so few sets.”

“Oh, by the way, I live in Marin and I can’t drive because I have bad vision.”

(Well, I have some bizarre disease which makes me occasionally stop the car and run to the middle of the freeway, waving my hands and screaming, “Just hit me!”)  So, I offer a PA to pick her up, to go shopping with her, to drive her to the set.

“No, says Jerrie, “No problem; I take the bus everywhere; been doing it for years.  I’m taking the bus now every night to the theater in the Berkeley.”

(3 buses over 2 bridges)

That evening, waiting for me on the computer is an email from Jerrie.  You guessed it.

“Sorry, can’t do it without a car.  Too much trouble on the bus.  I live in Marin, you know.  Very unreasonable.”

(1 bus over 1 bridge)

5) I am now wondering to myself how ANY films get made in this town.

My co-producer calls around for more recommendations.  Thus, we are referred to Call Me Minoaka.  Long phone conversation with Call Me Minoaka.

“Do you know this is a micro budget film?

“Do you know there are three sets and you only have two weeks to prepare?

“Do you know that your only assistants will be me (the Producer) and Makeup?

“Are you okay with animals on set?

“Do you have time to do this?

“Do you like the script?

“What are your concepts?”

Call Me Minoaka shoots me off sketches for each set.  Fast.  Good.

Call Me Minoaka sends me a shopping list with a budget attached.  Better.

Then Call Me Minoaka starts sending me hundreds of emails forwarded from Craigslist, in response to an ad she placed requesting a set designer for a two minute trailer with an environmental theme.

“Huh?  Aren’t you the set designer?”

“I decided to be the coordinator.  I will send you candidates.”

Great; not only has she flaked on the job, but additionally she has made 20 times as much work for me, because my work ethic requires me to respond to every single email telling these Craigslist folks that we don’t need them.

6) We are seemingly rescued by Sue, a busy director of industrials.  Sue sends me her man Sergei.  Sergei is, within the hour, hospitalized with bleeding hemorrhoids.   I ought to be, too.  It would feel better.

1)      First we were promised the famous Eloise, who had just finished a fully-funded feature.  Our  Director, who had just worked with Eloise on the other film, said Eloise was locked in; Eloise was all over it; she was down with it; she was on board; she was not only attached but signed; Eloise was hep to the gig.

“Eloise promised me.”

But our Director had inconveniently forgotten to ask Eloise if she actually WAS down with it.  Turns out Eloise was committed to a project in Prague.

2)      Then the big shot Monsieur le Directeur promised us Samuel, a great friend of his, a constantly in demand big-budget set designer who was dying to work with Monsieur le Directeur on a small film; but Samuel apparently was … ahem … committed in New York.

3)      Then, I met with Barbara in a coffee shop.  I looked at her sketches; I knew some of the local indie films she’d worked on.

Barbara told me,   “I know that being on a small film project is a lot of work and stress.  I know you don’t have a whole department.  I’m ready to do all the work myself; I don’t mind getting my hands dirty.  All I ask is to be paid mileage.”

When I got home that night, there was an email waiting for me from Barbara.

“I believe my destiny is to be a director, so I’m going to be making my own film next week.”

4)      Slightly less fussy now, I met Greta.  Greta had not done set design, but she brought her portfolio of interior design, fashion design and posters.  She had read the script.  She was particularly attracted to this credit-only project because of the environmental theme.  She showed me sketches of a proposed simple set.

She looked into my eyes and said, “I love your story.  I love indie film.  I am all, like, spiritual with the environment bit.”

I explained how tough it was to work on micro budget films.  She understood.  It was to be a spiritual adventure for her art.

The next day Greta called me.

“My guru in Vancouver is quite sick and I must go and sit by his bedside.  I am all spiritual with that relationship, like, you know.”

…tomorrow…more set designers…