Food in the belly soaks up anxiety. Eat to keep from feeling the pain. The uncertainty, the anxiety of chaos and abandonment. The uncertainty. The unclearness of the path. The anticipation.
The one certain thing is that I can put food in my mouth whenever I feel bad.
It deadens pain, but it also deadens all emotion. When I am full with food, I cannot act (I cannot channel the feelings of the character or of the film.) Feelings are blocked and absorbed by the food.
I must starve my stomach if I want to keep my instrument in tune.
Interestingly enough, the fat also insulates me from being offered jobs and from the human contact which I need to “fill up the well” of emotions & creativity.