I was hired to produce a bad, bad television show. It was so bad that my client was going to PAY the local station to broadcast it. Ya, that’s called an infomercial, not a television show, dude.
How bad was it? Well, to start, this guy’s definition of “actress” is: any woman with large breasts, whether she can act or not.
His definition of “actor” is: his ugly brother who’s 38 years and lives at home and has no job. Oh, forgive me: he now has a job: actor.
So, here are two dopes that can’t act at all.
Then, my client decides this is going to be a cooking show. Do either of these dopes know how to cook? No, neither Tit-Girl or Butt-Ugly-Unemployed-Brother know how to cook.
I say to Producer-Boy, “If neither of these people can cook and neither of them can act, all you have left is a tit show with Butt-Ugly-Unemployed-Brother playing the Peeping Tom. If you going to shoot a tit show, go for it whole hog. Just admit it’s a late night tit show and shoot it that way.”
Now, Producer-Boy’s mom gets involved. Apparently Producer-Boy needs to run everything by Mommy because Producer-Boy doesn’t have the money to produce this show himself. He, too–in his 40s–is still living at home.
Mommy didn’t like the idea of Tit-Girl. She’s very religious, and apparently her god does not like tits. So we had to cover up Tit-Girl and make her wholesome. Producer-Boy is now back-pedaling into Pretend Land, telling Mommy it is not a tit show; it is a real TV show with real actors with real skills who can really cook.
Problem is, neither of them can even remember their lines and don’t know how to grate an orange rind. So, now we have a cooking show with nobody who can cook. Or act. And no tits, either.
Oh, my, what a fumbling mess.
Then, Producer-Boy decides that it is too expensive to hire real cinematographers with real cameras and real lighting kits. So, he puts his home-movie cam on a tripod, buys some desk lamps from Ikea, and tries to shoot the show himself.
At this point, i quit the show.
But…here’s the horrible part…what if the big mess actually gets on TV and people WATCH it? Eek.