Letters from My Readers

 

Dear Michelle,


Are you about done finished kaput fini end-zone with the boring story of your ridiculous video shoot in Tokyo?  Geez, one would think you had milked that story about as much as it could be milked.  Geez, one would think you never went on another video shoot in your life.  Tell us another story, can’t you?  Tell us something different, something interesting.

Quit dragging it on for so long.  Drag, drag, dragging, dragon.

Geez, you haven’t even really told us anything significant about this shoot.  Educate us!  You haven’t even told us about what gear you used, the workflow, the electrical problems or lack thereof, how much footage you shot or the intended delivery medium.  You haven’t even discussed the quality of light in the Far East and how it affected your shot design.

If you have to keep talking about this dumb industrial shoot, do you have to be so snarky?  Geez, you probably think it’s very entertaining if you just make snippety remarks about people.  Well, it’s not.  What a grouch.  You have C.S.A.  Cat Shit Attitude.  That’s what I think. Geez.  Get some Elavil.

Instead of snarky, long stories with no business or craft content, here are some topics I want to see in your column:

  • Red workflow
  • Is blue screen as good as green screen?
  • Is depth of field as important as the celluloidics claim, or is it simply an artifact of older technology?
  • How tightly should you block shots and still let the actors have room to organically feel the scene?
  • Shortcut keys in Final Cut
  • How did they do that stuff in Benjamin Button?
  • Do you have to count the travel from hotel to location when you are calculating whether it’s a short turnaround?
  • Why does my audio guy insist that he hears a C#?
  • Where to get cheap donuts
  • Is sex with college interns okay on set?
  • Is sex with college interns okay in the production office?
  • Walkies or cell phones: which is hipper?
  • Why, why so many gels?
  • How soon is it okay to start screaming if the gaffing’s not done yet?
  • Is sex with college interns okay in the sweetening suite?
  • Is it absolutely necessary to admire the pics of the studio exec’s ugly baby before you get right into the pitch?
  • Is sex with college interns okay, or do you prefer doing it with the young, ambitious actors & actresses?
  • Why, why does television suck?
  • How to get fantastically rich in the film world

 

Get with it, Michelle.  Geez, write some more interesting stuff.


Sincerely,

Your reader

 

 

Dear Reader,


Thank you, deeply, truly from my heart, from the pit of my stomach, for mentioning how lovely and talented I am.  Both lovely and talented.  Amazing.  You could lose yourself in my green eyes.  You feel compelled to watch me.  All my work is breathtaking.  My assistant will mail you an autographed headshot of me forthwith.  Full body shot one hundred and ninety nine dollars on PayPal (it’s framed.)

No, the series is not finished—we haven’t yet gotten to the storylet which explains the title of the entire series, “Where Did You Get That Toy?”  Duh.


Sincerely,

Michelle

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