It’s A Small World

How Networking Works

or

How To Get Gigs in Movie-making by Getting Referrals from People Who Respect Your Work

or

My ShittySick Family


This column today is entirely true.

I have been accused of playing fast & loose with the truth.  I have been accused of having a loose grasp on reality.  I say to that: I am a fiction writer, you know.  (Don’t you know?)  I write screenplays, novels, poetry, short stories, comedy routines, performance pieces.  I’m an entertainer.

Here’s an analogy

My former dog Nadia; my ex-dog; my deceased dog–the Siberian Husky Nadia.  Gone and missed, despite having been a huge pest.  Did I mention “enormous pest?”  We took her to puppy training seven times.  Six times she flunked and the seventh time she graduated last in her class.

The reason is simple: Nadia’s interpretation of a command such as “Down Stay” was that—as long as any one part of her body remained in the same spot on the floor as it had been—she was in compliance.  Thus, once put into position on the floor for “Down Stay,” she felt it was acceptable to rotate her entire body around the center point of her tail—the very tip of her tail remaining in its exact original position on the floor, exact latitude and longitude, to the micrometer, never moving—in a huge circle with an 8 foot diameter.  Careful to keep her tail in position, she inched around the circle until her head was near the Standard Poodle who was next to her on the floor.  The Standard Poodle who was in EXACT compliance with the “Down Stay” as intended.  The Standard Poodle who had not moved except to breathe.  The Standard Poodle who had been, at the beginning of this exercise, 4 feet away from my dog Nadia the Pest.  The Standard Poodle out of whose flank my dog Nadia the Pest now took a chomp.  The Standard Poodle who graduated first in the class.

When I corrected my dog’s error, she looked at me as if to say,

“Can’t you see my TAIL is still in ‘Down Stay’?  Why are you so literal in your interpretation of this exercise?  Have you not a creative bone in your body?”


It has been claimed about my reportage that I have the same definition of “truth” as Nadia did of “Down Stay.”  As long as one of the memes I am reporting is entirely, latitudinally and longitudinally exactly, the truth, the rest of the story may revolve around that.


However, this column today is entirely true.


And…back to the point.  It is SO unlike me to wander off topic; I don’t know what came over me.


So, you are supposed to be able to make connections through connections.  Supposedly, if people like you, like your work, respect your abilities…etcetera…if you ask them for an introduction, they will gladly refer you.

Who knows you better than your family?  Whom better to ask for introductions?

My broth er, a nationally respected, quoted, interviewed and published lobbyist, was approached by Annette Bening when Bening was prepping for her role in The American President.  Bening (by the way, one of the most outstanding actors of the last 50 years) wanted to follow my brother around for a day.

“How thrilling for you,” sez I.

 

“Also,”

sez I,

“after you’ve hung about with this hero of mine for 8 or 10 hours, do you think you could mention to her that your sister, an actor and a nascent indie filmmaker, would love to be able to email her, have coffee with her, talk to her on the phone…to make a connection?”

Sez Bro,

“I wouldn’t dream of it.  EVERYBODY’s sister is an actor or filmmaker.  She must be sick of it.”

Gee thanks, Bro.

Annette asks you for 10 hours of your time; you can’t ask her for 15 minutes.  EVERYBODY’s sister?  I really doubt it.  Besides, I’m asking MY brother, not everybody’s brother.  And Bening does not spend all day with everybody’s brother; but she does with MY brother.

Bro, it’s always “No” till you ask.  After that, she can say, “Yes,” or “No.”  It’s her choice.

  • Naw.
  • No go.
  • He would not even ask.
  • Not even for me, his only sister.

Tomorrow, the tale of my mother who wouldn’t introduce me to … {you’ll just have to come back tomorrow and see who it is}

No wonder I’m so messed up.

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