So-Called Off Topic

I’m sure many of my readers also subscribe to a producers’ chat list.  Last week, a strange topic was discussed on one producers’ chat lists, through a dozen posts, back and forth, over three days.  The topic: knife sharpening.

They talked about

  • recommendations for knife sharpeners

  • instructions for how to do it yourself and where to learn

  • gizmos to buy to do it at home (complete with loving instructions on how the gizmo looks in the kitchen)

  • discussions about how absolutelyNecessary it is to have sharp knives for the gourmet kitchen

  • which knives for which vegetables


Usually people get chastised for discussing non-producerish topics on the list.  However, for some reason this topic struck a chord on the producers’ list.  Many of the producers must direct their creativity into cooking as well as into films.

But, here’s why the whole discussion made me laugh my ass off.  What I was secretly thinking the whole time was,

“These people must NOT be screenwriters.”



Screenwriters use knives for an entirely different purpose.

Here’s an exchange I can see happening on the screenwriters’ chat list.

“How many victims can you stab with an ordinary kitchen knife before it becomes dull?”

“Is the above answer different for a zombie movie and for a realistic crime movie?”

“What is the best knife to kill your elderly uncle to make it look like an accident?”

“Should you use a different knife for a revenge killing than for a sex-murder?”

“What type of small knife should I use in a story about a cutter, but it’s not about cutting; it’s about unemployment?”

“I want a gloomy kind of dullness, not a shiny blade as he stabs the victim over and over and over and over and over and over and once again.”

  • Knife throwers.

  • Knife jugglers.

  • A contest to build houses of cards, but with knives instead of cards.

  • A chair made entirely of knives.

  • Knife stuck in eyeball.

  • Knife slicing open a long, long vein.

  • Using a knife for a mirror.

  • A car that shoots knives at other cars’ tires during traffic jams.

“Do back-woods folks realistically pick their teeth with a knife, or is that a stereotype?”


Michelle (that’s me):


“Knives. Killing.  Let’s see.  How many people can I get away with killing?  Hmm.  Start with mother.  Then father.  Then boss.  Then next boss in next job.  Then the credit card person who messed up my statement.  Then the bank president.  Then my neighbor who lets his dog cry for hours.”

Oh, never mind that last bit.  It means nothing.  NOTHING, do you hear me?




2 Responses to So-Called Off Topic

  1. Honey April 18, 2011 at 12:10 pm #

    John Belushi doing Samurai Delicatessin and Samurai Dry Cleaner is some of the best sword (really a long knife) work done on screen. It will make you “laugh your ass off.”

  2. michelle April 20, 2011 at 8:59 pm #

    Yeah, that was brilliant comedy work

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