Career Choices


Let’s see. How to choose your appropriate place in the world of show biz.  No need to take those expensive and time-consuming Minnesota Multiphasic or the INTJ Personality Type tests.  No need to go on FaceBook and waste your day taking quizzes about “What Shakespeare Play Are You?”  Do you have a serious neurosis and no health insurance to pay for a shrink?  Just come here to Michelle; she will tell you what to do and where to go.  Yeah, where to go.

 

  • Are you the kind of person who can’t keep a job?  Get fired from everything?  You should consider being a comedian.
  • If everybody hates you, perhaps it’s just as well if you do line producing and pester people about the budget all day: why get a job where you are required to be likeable if you can’t be likeable?
  • Hate the opposite gender? Comedian.  Or dominatrix in … you know … “art” films.
  • Do you break into tears for no reason, even when all around you are celebrating?  You need to be a stage actor specializing in the Greeks.
  • If you can’t–absolutely cannot–and never have, been able to keep a regular job, you should consider being a comedian.
  • Are you, perchance, super-critical, bossy, OCD? You are probably a closet 1st AD.
  • Spend lots of time taping up your boobs so they look younger, higher, puffier…even though you’re just going to the BeerWineAndGroceries at 3 AM for a pack of cigs?  Costume designer.
  • You have absolutely no skills in life and you refuse to do anything you’re told?  Comedian.
  • Autistic? Try scriptie or continuity.
  • You poor dear.  You can’t seem to extract yourself from alcoholic and co-dependent or abusive, dead-end on one-sided relationships?  Use that pain: be a comedian.
  • Agoraphobic?  Office PA is the gig for you.
  • Do you go to your friends’ house for dinner and tell their kids when to go to bed; tell their maid how to serve the dessert; rearrange the places at the dinner table; direct the flow of conversation; demand that Mrs. Foofenheimer “get over here this instant” and meet Count Oculogyric? Of course, you’re a producer.
  • Find beauty in infections, amputations, and warts?  Be a director of avant garde.
  • Find beauty in infections, amputations, warts?  Be a comedian.
  • Kind of a distance voyeur?  Like to look down women’s blouses without having them realize you’re doing it?  Ta-Dah!  Crane op!  Don’t fall out of the bucket.
  • All your friends say you’re a gourmet on a budget?  AHA!  You thought I was going to say … but I’m NOT.  Because, although you are a gourmet on a budget, you also have Parkinson’s and keep dropping the dishes, breaking them with a loud crash?  I do believe I can honestly recommend that you become a comedian.
  • Bad hemorrhoids?  Headstand artist with Cirque du Soleil.
  • Can’t stop yourself from killing people and stashing their bodies in the freezer?  Do—please do–write screenplays.
  • If you like to make fun of the suffering of others, you should consider being a comedian.
  • Do you (without benefit of pharmaceuticals) stop your car in the middle of rush hour and get out to closely examine a snail on the ground; cars rushing past you as you are oblivious?  You are plain nuts.  Keep away from me, you Production Designer.
  • No one can work with you because you keep mouthing off and you won’t be serious?  Be a comedian, dammit.
  • Are you a kleptomaniac?  Well, there are no jobs in show biz for you.  Try being a corporate muckety-muck.  Oh, wait…studio head?

Well, our hour is up.  See you next week?  That will be $150.

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