Readers have been asking—nay, begging—me to collect films about cats. Films where a cat is the main character. Dear readers, you may disagree with some of my choices below, but I feel that in all these movies I have selected, the cat is the main character and I will defend my choices. If you have suggestions for other films where cats have appeared, where cats have been featured, where cats are the point of the whole damn thing, then please write to me. If you disagree with my selections or feel I am overrating the importance of felines, please don’t contact me.
- “Game 6.” Robert Downey is a movie critic who almost has sex with Michael Keaton’s daughter. Robert Downey’s cat walks around on the table checking out leftover food.
Phoenix—my own kitty—was a sweet, soft, orange kitty with gold eyes.
- “Alien.” Ripley has a cat named Jonesy. The cat gets rescued.
Phoenix loved all people even though two teenagers had tried to hang him and beat him to death when he was a kitten.
- “Star Trek The Next Generation” (television show). Recurring character Spot.
Data: You must tell him he’s a pretty cat and a smart cat, too.
Worf: I will feed him.
- “The Godfather.” Cat sits in Marlon Brando’s lap and purrs. Marlon supposedly found him on the set and kept him.
My cat Phoenix was a huge lap sitter and purrer.
- “One Fine Day.” A film with both a cat and George Clooney. What could be better?
Phoenix liked his forehead scratched.
- “Harry and Tonto.” Nuff said. Nuff said.
- “The Last Picture Show.” Jacy had a cat. She was mean to the cat. Pushed the cat off the bed. Jacy was mean to a lot of boys, too. Men were mean to Jacy. Goes around, comes around. Later Cybill Shepherd had an affair with Peter Bogdanovich and he left his wife Polly Platt for her, which is very dumb because if Cybill has sex like Jacy had sex, it would be very boring indeed.
- “Star Trek Generations.” The entire point of this story was finding Spot.
- “Never Talk to Strangers.” Serena the cat was murdered by Rebecca de Mornay. Doesn’t seem like a cat killer should be allowed to have wild sex with Antonio Banderas. Doesn’t seem right. At. All.
- “Men in Black”. Kitty named Orion had the galaxy around his neck.
- “The Gingerbread Man”. The whole film was about getting revenge for the orange kitty. That bitch Mallory Doss killed her cat so she could inherit 15 acres of black walnut and the lawyer had to solve the mystery so he could set justice for the cat.
- “Romancing the Stone.” Kathleen Turner has a cat named Romeo. Kathleen Turner was some hot chick back then! (So was I.)
My Cat Phoenix died last year.
- “Assassins.” Julianne Moore is crazy about her cat.
I miss Phoenix every single minute.