Day Jobs: Just Not Getting It

Oh, yeah, me, too.  I am one of those creative types (actors, comedians, writers) who cannot keep a day job.

I was fired from one paper-pushing job because I did–in 2 hours–the work the previous person had taken all day doing; then I went around helping other people.  But, this made the person who picked work up from my desk look relatively slow, so they asked me to leave.

I was fired from another job stuffing envelopes because I reorganized the work flow, and all of us finished 6 hours early.  We were all on hourly contract–I saved the assholes 12 person-days, but
they fired me because I didn’t follow instructions and do it the stupid, slow way.

Then, I was canned from a job because I paid too much attention to counting the correct change and wasn’t friendly enough to the customers.  This was my first job (at 16 years old) and I still hold a grudge.  I still, also, to this day, forget to be friendly enough.

Laid off from for not sucking up to a fat, bald, near-retard (with a Harvard MBA) and he felt inadequate.  So, even though I did a job he and 2 other big shots said was “impossible,” he fired me as soon as I was finished.

Oh, wait, there’s more.  I was let go from the dishwashing job at the School for the Blind because I
reported that the cook (an ex-Marine) was driving his truck up to the kitchen loading dock and stealing food meant for the little children.

Um…quit being a machinist because of sexual harassment.  One guy kept grabbing my breasts.  I
called the cops, but they wouldn’t respond.  Went to a lawyer (civil rights lawyer, yet) who said the case was not winnable.

Fired from IBM for not constantly telling my manager how great I was.  I stupidly thought that all those letters from customers were good enough, but she needed to be told to her insecure dumb ugly face.  See: same mistake, repeated till the dark at the end of time.

RIFfed (Reduction in Force) from one job because I couldn’t stand going to lunch with my manager with a boil on his cheek.  He kept picking it at lunch.  It never went away, not for the 11 months I was there.  He once told me he did not like me making decisions about software development without asking his permission first.  I was a god damned director of software development, for cripes sakes.  He was a hardware person.  And stupid.  And indecisive.  And boily.

Kicked out of a sales clerk job at a fabric store for “poor decisions.”  That meant I went shopping during my lunch break and bought some ribbon from the store next door.

“Re-assigned” out of Oracle because once the product missed the first launch date, the VP had to fire one person each month till the product got launched.  Very good management technique; I recommend it to all you business people.  Later the VP went to the CEO’s house for lunch and NEVER returned.  They never found the body.

My contract at AT&T Wireless was cancelled because I demanded to know why it took 8, no 9, months to put 5 zip codes into the database.  For 9 months, no one in the state of Hawaii could buy AT&T phones on the web site; but my pointing that out seemed rude to the lazy asses who had to trudge through the paperwork path first before actually doing any work.  Made their lazy asses seem lazy, imagine that.  I don’t know if, to this day, Hawaii can buy phones.  That VP got a huge bonus.  $250 thousand dollar BONUS.  On top of his salary.

Asked to leave my job as a stripper in the Tenderloin district in San Francisco because they told me I had to take off my glasses to dance (glasses are not sexy.)  Then, I couldn’t see anything, so I just closed my eyes and danced.  Apparently (I didn’t understand at the time) you are supposed to leer at customers while you’re dancing.  Then they give you huge tips.  Which you need, because you have to pay for your own jukebox at $10/hour.  And then you’re supposed to ask the customer to buy champagne for you, “because it makes me feel all sexy,” and the bartender brings you soda and charges for champagne.  Lovely business, really, taking advantage of human loneliness.  It was a disappointment to be fired, after I’d spent so much time forging that ID which showed me to be 21.

Oh, not asked back the next year to teach acting to 6th graders because I let them use swear words while they were on stage doing improvs.

It makes me tired thinking about all the unemployment claims.

This is why, as my friend Carla the Comic says, we do standup.  We are unsuitable for any other employment.

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2 Responses to Day Jobs: Just Not Getting It

  1. Old friend August 23, 2012 at 7:54 pm #


    You forgot driving school instructor, housewife and Siberian Husky owner.

  2. shyman August 24, 2012 at 10:29 am #

    oH,YEAH, I’m sure I have been fired from even more jobs…I just forgot 🙂

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