Madness On Set

On the set of “Chase Me”

Actress Mindea .  She’s a fabulous actor with a sensitive instrument.  She generally plays a gloomy or depressed character, or even a bitch; but today she’s playing a sarcastic, happy-go-lucky person.  She has gorgeous green eyes and long, wavy dark brown hair.

 

Actress Sith.  A versatile actor who has played many manic, cheery, brave-front type of chicks and not a few murderesses.  Today she’s also playing a happy-go-lucky person.  She has deep brown eyes and long, wavy dark brown hair.

 

Mindea is about 5′ 9″ and over 250 pounds.

 

Sith is about 5′ 2″.  She couldn’t weigh 100 pounds if she swallowed a watermelon whole.

 

I’m directing this indie short.

 

Mindea comes up to me and says,

 

“You know how sometimes you sit in a movie theater and they have cast the same bland, all-American, pretty-boy faces with no distinguishing features in several key roles…and you know how you sometimes sit there for the first 20 minutes of a movie, when they are doing short scenes introducing each character…and you don’t get enough time to learn each face…so, you know how you sometimes spend the whole first act getting confused by who is who…and you can’t tell the actors apart ’cause they all look the same…and you lose the story because you’re trying to figure out who everyone is?”

 

“Yes?”

 

Mindea is bawling by now, mascara running down her cheeks into her mouth.

 

“Well, how are they going to tell me and Sith apart?”

 

Very gently,

 

“Sweetheart, you two are very different sizes.”

Oops.

 

Mindea stops.

 

Not insulted.

 

Surprised.

 

As if she had never thought of this before.  She walks over to the catering truck; using its shiny side as a mirror, stands and examines herself for a long time.  She looks over to the diminutive Sith and back at her own reflection.

 

I hold my breath.

 

She returns to me.

 

“Oh, okay.”

 

 

On the set of “Brown”

“Neighbor Ben” is frantically looking around.  He is a U5 in this indie feature.

 

The 1st AD asks if he can help.  The PM asks if she can help.  Makeup asks if he can help.

 

Ben declines.

 

“I need to see Kritter (the Director.)”

 

Ben says to Kritter:

 

“I can’t play this role.  You didn’t tell me Neighbor Ben eats a hamburger.  I am morally opposed to eating meat.  Can I play a different role?  Please, please, I really want to be in your film, but I cannot eat a burger.”

 

Kritter asks Props to find a veggie burger.

“No, no,” wails “Ben.”

 

By this time he is sobbing and clutching his chest and gasping.  Snot is running down into his mustache.

 

“I can’t even pretend to eat it.  Can you please change the dialogue so it says I am eating a veggie sandwich?”

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