Crazy Boss Man Goes to France

Business planning

Crazy Boss Man in A Large International Corporation says to me,

“We need to document the business requirements from the French subsidiary.”

I say to Crazy Boss Man in A Large International Corporation,

“We have 4 documents from earlier this year detailing these requirements…about 20 pages each.  But they are in French; I’m going to use Language Learning to get them translated.  Can you please authorize $200?”

Crazy Boss Man in A Large International Corporation:

“What do you need them for?”

Me:

“Because you asked me to get the business requirements; to deliver a requirements doc.  France is our customer.  I need to understand France’s requirements to deliver a requirements doc.”

Crazy Boss Man in A Large International Corporation:

“Nobody uses data sources anyway.  All we need is to get the VP to sign off, anyway.  All they really want is to pass an account ID to their sales team anyway.  Justify to me what you will learn from those documents before I let you spend $200, anyway.”

Me:

“Okay, these French dudes know what they want; they put together their requirements; they have already given us doc (meaning “documents” (in the hip language of the corporate cognoscenti)); we need to get them translated; it will help us understand their fucking business requirements so we can then DOCUMENT those fucking business requirements, so that we can know how much it will COST to implement those fucking business requirements, so that you can then have a budget which you can justify to your boss and which is realistic and which will allow you to then build the product that your customer requires (if you don’t get bumped upstairs, you fucking retard), which is what you are paying me to do.  And a lot of money, I might mention: $10,000 per week.”

Crazy Boss Man in A Large International Corporation:

“I will not pay for translation.  Find someone at HQ who knows French who can do it on their lunch hour.”


…and what has this to do with…


Film Planning?

Crazy Producer:

“We need to get an investor for this film.”

Me:

“How much money do you need to raise?”

Crazy Producer:

“I dunno.  Can you just give me a copy of the budget from the last film you worked on?  That will give me a general idea.”

Me:

“You are shooting a teen vampire flick that spans three centuries.  My last film was a love story set entirely on a park bench.  Don’t think it will help you.”

Crazy Producer:

“I don’t have the time or money to create a budget.  Just anything with numbers and line items so the investors will know that I know what I’m doing.”

Me:

“And when they give you the money and you run out after a week of shooting because you have no real idea of how much it costs to produce your film, then what will you do?”

Crazy Producer:

“Get finishing funds.”

 

…a week later…


Business Planning?

The next week, I learned that Crazy Boss Man in A Large International Corporation has booked three of us for a flight to France to “gather requirements.”

Me:

“So, fly 3 people to France instead of simply reading the documents we already have?”

Crazy Boss Man in A Large International Corporation:

“The trip is a crystallizing function; it is a forcing function to force people to give us doc.”

Me:

“Crystallizing function.”

Nick tells me that Crazy Boss Man in A Large International Corporation needs a few more frequent flier miles so he can take his family on vacation to Hawaii later this year.

Me to Myself:

“Crystallizing fucking function.”

Me to Myself:

“ To force them to give us doc.   But we already have 80 pages of doc.”

Me out loud:

“Sigh.  Well, okay.  We can spend time with the French team and really understand what they need.”

Crazy Boss Man in A Large International Corporation:

“We’ll only spend 8 hours there.”

Me to Myself:

“So we are traveling 40 hours to spend 8 hours in a meeting…and it took the German team 8 months and 4 visits to gather Germany’s requirements….and it took the Brazilian team 7  months and 6 visits to gather Brazil’s requirements…but we can do France in 8 hours.  Without reading their existing documentation first.”

(By this time I am talking to myself quite a bit.)

Me out loud to Crazy Boss Man in A Large International Corporation:

“You owe me another $10,000.”

Me to Myself:


“You idiot.”

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